Friday’s Forum: Am I The Best You’ve Ever Had?

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Dear toughtalkdc,
Do you recommend divulging your past in relationships? Im no saint, but far from the worst. However I wonder sometimes if men really want to hear the truth! I have had men ask me if they were the best…the ones who ask arent. I have had men ask if they are the biggest…same thing…the person asking never is. I used to be honest, and I got a lot of angry men and hurt feelings. But when I lie…im annoyed with myself!!! How should a person answer questions about previous relationships and risque encounters?

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Good Morning Toughtalker,

Thank You for submitting your letter.  I believe sharing past relationships is a very taboo topic.  The men that you’re encountering really don’t want to hear the truth.  They want to hear they’re the best (even if they’re far from it).  They want to hear they’re the biggest (even if they’re not too well endowed). You stated in your letter some of your past encounters inquired about certain aspects of your sexual history and didn’t like the response, at all…so those men didn’t want the truth!!  Some men have real esteem issues and I’m guessing these men did…because no self-assured guy would even ask those questions.  A man who is confident about himself doesn’t need verbal validation from his partner, he will receive that without even asking (from her response during and after sex).  So there would be no need for the “Am I the best or biggest?” question.  Just knowing she enjoyed the act is rewarding enough for him.  I believe the guys you’re dating have issues that’s far beyond anything that a .. yes you are the best or a OMG your the biggest ever answer could ever fix, so why even try?  The next time you are confronted with these types of questions I would state…let’s leave the past where it is..in the past…and try and move on.  If he insists on digging deeper for the validation he is seeking, then tell him the truth.  If he is that ego driven then maybe he will try and become the best…and that could be fun!!!  Or maybe he will react in a negative way.  And if he does…you didn’t need a man (boy) like that anyway!!  But if you can go without answering the questions then do so, because the truth really isn’t what these guys are seeking anyway!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!

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Friday’s Forum: Friends with Benefits?

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Dear toughtalker,
I was visitng a “friend with benefits” the other day. It was understood that the next morning he was busy and had a very important meeting. I didnt have a problem with that and left early in the morn. It appeared that the meeting was so important that he got a call before he left to go over some of the details of the meeting…thats when I left. HOWEVER, one of my girlfriends calls me an hour later because she saw him at the mall….Christmas shopping!!!!! Should I be offended? Why did he lie? He’s not my man, and I certainly had no problem leaving! He didnt have to make up an entire scheme…and obviously that fake call in the morning…to get me to leave! Im not only thinking of cutting off the benefits, but the friendship as well!!

Angry
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Good Morning Angry,

You have every right to feel the way that you do about the entire situation, but from the words of your letter and the way you closed it out allows me to understand that your feelings for him are deeper than you know.  And maybe you havent realized that as of yet…but he has!!  If you were truly “Friends with Benefits”, then what he did would not have angered you in the way that it did.  Maybe the last few times you were together things started to change…you lingered around longer…you wanted to go to breakfast…(and there’s nothing wrong with that)…but by doing so the dynamic of your situation has started to change….maybe without you even noticing.  And let me ask you a question: Were you upset that maybe you told your friend that (let’s call him “benefits”) had a meeting early in the morning and you had to leave early, only to be embarrassed that she saw him in the mall?  Or is it that he lied about going shopping and then after doing so…there was no gift for you??  I believe you should talk to him first…but before doing so…you  must have a talk with yourself.  Confront your feelings first.  Maybe admit to yourself that this “Friends with Benefits” experiment has garnered some results that you weren’t expecting.  Because I believe your anger goes far more deeper than a morning meeting!!  Have a wonderful weekend!!

Friday’s Forum: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…

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Dear toughtalkdc,
I am recently separated after being married for seven years.  Being back on the dating scene is so confusing and I feel like a fish out of water!  Particularly, I have met this guy and he seems nice enough and says all the right things. He says he can see a future with me, he wants to take me on exotic trips, he wants to meet my family, etc.  And after such wonderful dates and time spent together, I dont hear from him for days at a time.  It makes me feel silly.  How can you see this great future with me, but I dont hear from you?  I feel like all of this might be just “game” to get me to sleep with him, and then he will disappear.  How do you know the difference between game and someone that is really sincere?

Anonymous

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Good Morning Anonymous,
The only true way to decipher between a man that’s playing games and a man that’s really sincere is time.  And what I mean by time is don’t rush yourself back into a relationship.  I know coming out of a marriage of 7 years and being together years before the union, you’re used to being in a relationship.  And it may be safe to say that there is a comfort and familiarity for you being joined with someone and having someone with you.  But attaching yourself to anyone, let alone a man that knows all the right things to say may not be the answer.  You said in your letter that when you have these wonderful dates and he talks about taking you on these exotic trips…afterwords he doesn’t call or you can’t reach him for days at a time.  And “how could he see this great future with you and then don’t call”??  Well there could be a few reasons why this is occurring.  He could already have someone and they occupy the majority of his time, so when he calls you or wants to go on a date, it maybe the only time he can get away from her.  Or he could be a guy that really likes you and isn’t trying to do too much too soon.  But I would say if this guy is exhibiting all of the signs that this gentlemen is and after such a wonderful time spent between the two of you…it would seem that he would be in constant contact with you because he thinks he may have found someone truly special to him and would want spend as much time with her as possible.  So my advice to you is to continue monitoring this guy.  You don’t have to totally remove him from your life, there’s nothing wrong with having a friend that you can share a meal and spend time conversing with!  But if you’re looking for more and you’re really in search of that relationship…then my advice is to move on.  And by doing so you may just force this gentlemen into either living up to those things that he told you he wanted to share with you …or revealing his true motives and intentions for you!!  Either way you’re going to get the answer that your seeking.  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

Thoughts on Thursdays: Marriage?

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Do couples these days get married for the union or for the wedding??  I have been asking myself that question recently because most couples that I encounter are having so many issues and problems (so early into the marriage) that I ask myself: did you guys put any thought into what it was going to take to sustain the marriage?  Or was it just about the ceremony?  What designer will I pick for my dress?  Which caterer are we having for the dinner?  What band am I going to have to perform, and what will our first dance be?  But it doesn’t seem like anyone is putting any thought into…how do I make this marriage work???  As I stated earlier, I have numerous friends and acquaintances who have recently gotten married and none of them are HAPPY!  Everyone is complaining about what the other person is not doing or has stopped doing OR NEVER DID!  I believe these are conversations that should have taken place before the wedding….before deciding do we serve chicken or fish?  Marriage can be a beautiful and wonderful union between two people who would like to spend the rest of their lives together, but remember…the wedding is ONE day.  Then the rest of your lives  together begins!!  So put a little more thought into the marriage and a little less on the wedding!!  JUST MY THOUGHTS PEOPLE!!!

Tuesday’s Topic: Independant Woman: Pro or Con?

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The term Independent Woman is a relatively new one that has grown in popularity over the past decade or so, and the premise of it I agree with 100%.  But I think we have lost our way a bit with the true meaning of the phrase.  Starting in the mid to late 1970’s there were a number of babies born into the world and when these babies arrived there were a group of expecting dads who at the time were selfish and didnt want the responsiblity of raising a child and providing for a family.  The result of those actions left a number of women forced  into a dual role of being both mom and dad, and I truly  believe out of these circumstances the Independent Woman was spawned.  But in those days women did those things out of necessity, not out of bitterness or fear that the women of today carry.  I often hear from women that they dont need a man for anything and they can raise a family and have a career on their own.  And those things may be true, but in saying that you’re only perpetuating the same behavior the men of the 1970’s did…just in your own way!!  You’re being selfish because you have been scarred or hurt in the past.  Now you want to eliminate the entire role of a father in the life of a child and by doing so disconnect yourself from having a companion as well!!  These are the actions of a group of people that haven’t totally thought this process through.  We all need somebody.  And let me reiterate, I totally understand being independent and I applaud it.  But being independent doesn’t mean being lonely…and your bitterness and fear is making you just that…..LONELY!!  There are only so many pets you can own to try and fill that void.  There are only so many happy hours that you and your fellow Independent Women can attend before the drinks kick in and it turns into a “MEN AIN’T ISH” and “THERE AREN’T ANY GOOD MEN” sessions.  So PLEASE dont miss my message of what I’m saying to you.  Yes reach for the stars and achieve your goals.  It’s said GOD blesses the child that has his own, but he also made Adam and Eve together!!  So please remember that the next time you’re being so “INDEPENDENT”.

Friday’s Forum: The Rebound Guy

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Dear toughtalker,
 
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years.  We were serious and had talked marriage.  Unfortunately it ended badly (domestic assault, fights over money and property and verbal abuse).  But I am over that now and ready to move on.  This happened a little over a month ago and I have since met someone that I like.  All of my friends are criticizing me saying that I need time to be single and get my head together.  They want me to be alone for a period of time before getting involved again.  Why?  I like him and I’m ready, and I know what I want!  Why do people always say you have to be by yourself for a while after a breakup?
 
Anonymous
 
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Good Morning Anonymous,
First…we would like to thank you for submitting your letter to our Friday’s Forum where we try to provide an objective outlook on relationship issues. 
 
OK, I have a question for you…how recent was this break-up?  Because the amount of time that has passed can play a significant role in what you think you’re past and have gotten over or where you actually are.  I don’t know you but what I’m gathering is that your friends do, and the tone that I’m getting is that they don’t want you to run right back into the same situation you just got out of.  They want you to take your time because everyone, post break-up, is vulnerable and eager to jump back in and prove that they can have a successful relationship.  But that’s not always the best thing to do.  If you are a frequent visitor to Toughtalkdc, we recently posted a blog about how some women are “displayers” and they just have to be involved with someone for display purposes only.  I’m not saying this is you but you may want to view our archive section and read what was written.  It might shed some light and give you some insight on your situation.
 
Now I’m going to give you my thoughts: I agree with your friends.  I’m not saying you have to be single  forever OR date the world, but give yourself some time to really heal!!  You stated that you and your former boyfriend had discussed marriage at some point, so this wasn’t just a random relationship with a regular guy.  This was once a person that you viewed as someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and now its over and you’re ready to move on that fast??  I believe that you need to give yourself time.  You just went through a very traumatic break-up, and even though you may have suppressed those feelings, they’re still there and only time will actually heal those wounds.  You say this new guy is a good person and you like him and want to be with him, and if all of those things are true (and we don’t doubt that they are) give him a fair chance.  And by giving him this chance YOU have to properly heal first!!  If you don’t you will bring the same hurts into your new relationship, and that’s only going to make it that much more difficult to have that successful relationship you desire.  I know everyone needs to have someone there and being lonely can be just that…lonely.  But being by yourself sometimes is the only way to actually get to know yourself, and at this time I suggest you get to know yourself.
 
Have a Wonderful Weekend!!!!  

Friday’s Forum: Do Men Like B*tches?

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Okay, so here’s the deal: Every Friday we’ll respond to an email received at toughtalkdc@gmail.com.  Don’t worry, we won’t disclose your personal info, only what you put in the email.  Remember to check to see if your email gets answered on Fridays!

Dear toughtalker,
 
Why does it seem as if men like b*tches??? I am normally nice to the men that I like, and a little “meaner” to the ones I don’t.  When you’re mean to a guy, he likes it!  He keeps coming back for more!  When I’m nice to a guy, does he figure that he has me, so there’s no need to treat me special?  I don’t get it.  My last boyfriend didn’t even take me seriously until I got sick of his bull and told him to kick rocks!  After I did that, he came running!  We were in a relationship for two years after that.  I don’t get it…why are men chasing after b*tches all the time???
 
Anonymous
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Good morning Anonymous! 
 
Your question is one that I have heard numerous times from friends, and let me start off by saying all guys aren’t chasing B’s!   But there is a key word in your letter that might describe a portion of the male species and that is “CHASE“.  Some dudes just love the chase.  It’s the conqueror in them.  They saw something they were attracted to and they wanted it.  They went after it and they may have even failed a few times in trying to acquire it, but they continued to pursue it until they eventually captured it.  And for some men the chase is what they want, it takes precedent over anything else.  For some men after they capture what they were chasing the thrill is gone, it leaves them (you even state that in your letter).  “He acts this way when I’m nice but when I’m mean he starts to act nice”, because to him he has to pursue again and now the chase is back on and the excitement has begun!  For some males they just like the Chase!  But the aftermath of that chase is too real of a situation for them…and there you have the distinct difference between Males and Men.  Males like the chase and they’re going to continue chasing forever.  MEN may like the chase, but when they capture what they want they know how to proceed into the next step, which is a place the male may never go.  So ask yourself …WHO AM I DATING?  And for most women it’s extremely difficult to know which is which, but that comes with time which alot of women don’t give themselves.  I always ask myself why don’t women just relax and allow the situation to play itself out?  And I have come to a conclusion….YOU’RE CHASERS TOO!!  But more like the MEN..than the males.  And you have a different element attached to you..you’re “Displayers”.  You see what you want and you go after it…maybe in a different way, but you’re still chasing.  You may capture your prey and have no problem going into the next phase but instead of just moving into the next phase you like to show off your capture.  You display it for everyone to know you have captured one and you’re an able hunter.  But with your eagerness to display, you haven’t even given yourself enough time to know exactly what you have captured!  You don’t know what you have: a MALE or a MAN or NEITHER!  You just have something…and something isn’t good to display.  Most of you continue over and over displaying “somethings”, and you really need to slow down!  You’re not winning any hunting awards showing up with what you thought was a Man (and  it turns out to be a Male, or even worse, a “neither”)!  With that MALE he may just wake up after a few months and return back to the chasing game and you’re left answering all the questions of “What happened girl?  I thought he was the one!”  And in all actuality, BOTH of you may wake up next to something that you thought was different and you realize it was something way too familiar to what you’ve always had.  So ladies ask yourself  a question, am I contributing to this behavior?  Am I doing enough evaluations of these guys before I start a relationship to really see if they have that “chaser” in them?  Do I enjoy being chased?  AND FOR THE RECORD, there are men out here who are secure in what they want without all of the back and forth that the chase game brings.  But you have to take your time to see exactly what type of guy it is, and only time will reveal that. 
 
Enjoy your weekend.

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