Dear toughtalker,
I have been having a rough time in my relationship.  We are arguing so much, that I’m not sure this is worth it.  We’ve been together for almost 8 months, and I know that’s not long, but I’m trying to figure out if the next 8 months would even be worth it.  Yesterday he went through my facebook messages and saw that I had a couple of emails from an ex.  They didn’t really say much…how are you, how’s the family, are you dating, etc.  Even with the dating question, I answered honestly and said yes.  I didn’t give specifics, but I did say that I was seeing someone.  He was upset because I never told him that I spoke to my ex and I didn’t tell him that I was seeing someone exclusively.  I was in love with this person (my ex) and I knew that telling my current boyfriend would evoke jealousy and insecurity.  And with our current state, I didn’t even want to bring that into the mix.  But now he’s mad that I’ve been talking to him, and I’m mad that he went through my facebook.  We can’t even have a decent conversation without one of us bringing up what the other did wrong.  I’m in love with my current boyfriend, but with so many issues, I DO seek relief/release elsewhere because he stresses me out so much!  And now that he’s violated my privacy, I don’t know if there’s any coming back.  What do you think about someone going through your things?  Could facebook be just the beginning…could my phone and personal belongings be next?  Is this someone that I shouldn’t trust?
 Anonymous
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Good Morning Anonymous,
Thank You for sharing your letter.  Let me start off by saying I believe the relationship you’re currently in is a dysfunctional one (at best) and with such a short period of time involved the answer of if you should stay is a obvious one to me…and that answer would be NO.  But before I address the reasons why…let’s discuss a few things that may shed some light on your situation.  I’m interpreting from your letter that the relationship with your ex-boyfriend directly preceded your current one because of you stating… “you were in love with this person (my ex) and by telling him about the contact it would invoke jealousy and insecurities”.  So within the last calendar year you have, in your words, been “in love” with both of these men?  I  know that is possible, but is there a pattern here?  Are you a person that falls “in love” easily??  Because to say you were so in love with the ex, and now you’re in love with the current boyfriend it seems to be that way.  Maybe you’re mistaking having/developing feelings for someone as being in love.  And that’s not what love is.  Your eagerness to attach that word or phrase to someone with such regularity makes me wonder if your filling a void yourself?  Maybe I’m off base, but being so in love with such frequency leads me to believe there is a definite void there that you’re trying to compensate for.  Possibly family and/or social issues and insecurities?  A lot of times family and past relationships play a big part in shaping who we are in relationships.  I’m not sure, but there is something there and I believe you should seek out the root of what triggers such strong feelings towards men so quickly.  But I digress…now back to your current relationship.  If the boyfriend is displaying such jealous behavior after 8 months then his ways are only going to escalate.  It’s going through your facebook now…it’s your phone next…and I can only imagine what follows.  And all of this is because you didn’t tell a person on facebook that you were in an “exclusive relationship”?  I thought that’s what a boyfriend/girlfriend title was??  I just know that if a man is this mad and jealous over something as trivial as this…then leave now…because that anger usually escalates to something much more serious (domestic violence).  So leave!  And take some time before the next relationship.  And while on dating hiatus maybe you can explore what I was discussing earlier.  Because the best feeling in the world…is being “in love” with yourself!!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!!   

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