Friday’s Forum: Best Friends?

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Dear Toughtalker,
 
I had been in love with my best friend for years.  I finally decided to tell him my feelings, and he rejected me.  He said he thought we were better off friends and that we could see what happened in the future.  Well, about six months later I met someone that I really like.  Now that he and I have been dating for about six months, my best friend is telling me he can’t believe that I’m getting serious with this new guy.  He said he always saw us eventually getting together, getting married and having children.  WHY WOULD HE TELL ME THIS NOW?  I’m so confused.  I like the new guy I’m seeing, and it’s hard for me to imagine leaving him for my best friend who has never expressed a romantic interest.  And at the same time, I do still have feelings…but I have been getting over them.  My friend is someone that I already know and am comfortable with, but I’m not sure that he can be trusted since he is JUST NOW expressing any feelings.  And my new guy has expressed his interest since day one, but he IS new.  What should I do?
 
Anonymous
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Good Morning Anonymous, thank you for submitting your letter.  The question of what you should do (to me) has a very obvious answer.  But before I give you my opinion, I’m going to try and dissect your letter.  By doing so it may enlighten you and answer some of the questions you are currently struggling with.  You start your letter with “I had been in Love with my best friend for years.  I finally decided to tell him my feelings, and he rejected me”.  The key phrase in that sentence is…rejected me.  See, I don’t believe he did reject you…I believe he saved you.  And what do I mean by that you ask?  Well it seems to me that this man valued your friendship so much that he wasn’t willing to take the risk and ruin something that he treasures over something that he wasn’t ready for…and that’s a real man!  Sometimes when you care so much about a person you’re willing to sacrifice your own selfish motives for them.  And it sounds like that’s what he was doing at the time.  But your conversation may have sparked a thought in his mind… well maybe when I stop playing around and am ready for that one person that I can share everything with…..why not my best friend?  So that’s the thought that he had stored in his back of his mind.  But here’s when things changed.  You met a guy…and you start dating.  He is cool with it in the beginning, but he starts to realize that this relationship you’re in is starting to become serious and it’s now affecting your friendship.  For example, the time you used to share with him hanging out…is now being spent with the new guy.  The times you used to call him and share what happened at work…those phone calls are now being made to the new boyfriend.  So now your best friend feels like you’re slipping away.  So what does he do?  He does the total opposite of what he did earlier…he becomes…selfish.  He reveals his feelings and thoughts to you.  Not because he had an epiphany and he wants to run away with you to elope.  No, he does it because he doesn’t want to lose his friend.  So he tells you what his thoughts were, hoping that your feelings for your boyfriend aren’t as strong as the friendship that the two of you share.  So you chose your friendship over your relationship…and if you make that decision…it will be a mistake!  And that’s because the comments he made aren’t based upon wanting you…they’re based on him not wanting to lose his friend.  So what to do now?  I would continue with my relationship.  But you and your best friend should and need to have a conversation.  Express to him how much your friendship means to you…and no matter your relationship status…you will always be his friend.  He may be upset now, but if he is the friend that you describe him as being…then your being happiness will be what matters most to him!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!

Friday’s Forum: The Lady Pond

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Dear toughtalker,
I have been single for quite some time, I would like to meet someone, but it just hasn’t happened.  For some reason most of the men I have been meeting have been married or somehow involved and just looking for someone on the side.  The strange thing is, I’ve been attracted to a female friend of mine lately.  She is an open lesbian, but I’ve only experimented here and there.  She has always flirted with me, but until now I ignored it because I have been interested in men.  I know my attraction may be a result of me not being interested in a man right now, but is that really a problem?  When I date a guy, you never know where it’s going to go and it’s the same thing here.  I don’t expect to be in some long term relationship with her, but you never know what happens.  Am I wrong for wanting to explore?
 
Anonymous
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Good Morning Anonymous…I would like to first thank you for submitting your letter.  Now allow me to answer your last question first.  You’re not wrong for wanting to explore and go where your feelings are taking you.  Being an adult entitles you to explore certain feelings that you may have.  But in your case I believe you’re doing it for all the wrong reasons.  It sounds like the decisions you’re making in regards to relationships are  ALL WRONG.  You state in your letter that “you have been single for quite some time and the men that you have been meeting are either married or involved with someone and want something on the side”.  And I believe you’re at a point in your life now that no matter the sex of the person (male or female), or the status of the individual (involved or married), you’re just looking for someone to fill a void.  You need to ask yourself…why is that?  Why am I the person who doesn’t feel complete unless I’m with someone?  You have to realize that having a companion won’t complete you…especially the ones that you’re choosing.  You’re just applying a temporary fix to a permanent problem…and that problem is YOU!  You have attached being with someone as your self worth…if you don’t have anyone, then you have failed or you’re not worthy….and that’s the furthest thing from the truth!  How are you really going to find a true soulmate when all you’re hiring are substitute teachers?  Allow yourself some ME time and realize that being by yourself temporarily, and having that spot vacant for a change, may just allow you to see clearly and find that one for you…instead of that one for right now!!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!     

Friday’s Forum: Can Men & Women Be “Just Friends”?

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Dear toughtalker,
Can men and women be just friends?  I, as well as some of my girlfriends have male friends – that are just that – friends.  And yet we met some guys at a bar the other day that insisted that men and women can’t be JUST FRIENDS.  They said that all of your male friends want to sleep with you…period.  Is that true? I have male friends that have never tried anything and it’s hard for me to accept they may have other motives.

Anonymous
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Good Morning Toughtalker,

Thank You for submitting your letter.  Let me start off by saying…Of course men and women can be just friends…and anyone who can’t grasp this concept has a lot of growth and personal maturing to do!!!  Now there are some men who will begin a friendship with a woman with the hope of maybe, just maybe, that one day after a break up with a boyfriend or a night on the town with one too many alcoholic beverages…that maybe one thing may lead to another…and your relationship may take that turn that they had envisioned and hoped for.  And as strange as this may sound, some men will wait years for the possibility of this happening!  But most MEN that I have encountered are more than capable of having a platonic relationship with a female.  And the men who say otherwise…are men by age and gender only…but are still boys in their maturity.  All men don’t think with their private areas when it pertains to friendships!!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

Friday’s Forum: Am I The Best You’ve Ever Had?

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Dear toughtalkdc,
Do you recommend divulging your past in relationships? Im no saint, but far from the worst. However I wonder sometimes if men really want to hear the truth! I have had men ask me if they were the best…the ones who ask arent. I have had men ask if they are the biggest…same thing…the person asking never is. I used to be honest, and I got a lot of angry men and hurt feelings. But when I lie…im annoyed with myself!!! How should a person answer questions about previous relationships and risque encounters?

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Good Morning Toughtalker,

Thank You for submitting your letter.  I believe sharing past relationships is a very taboo topic.  The men that you’re encountering really don’t want to hear the truth.  They want to hear they’re the best (even if they’re far from it).  They want to hear they’re the biggest (even if they’re not too well endowed). You stated in your letter some of your past encounters inquired about certain aspects of your sexual history and didn’t like the response, at all…so those men didn’t want the truth!!  Some men have real esteem issues and I’m guessing these men did…because no self-assured guy would even ask those questions.  A man who is confident about himself doesn’t need verbal validation from his partner, he will receive that without even asking (from her response during and after sex).  So there would be no need for the “Am I the best or biggest?” question.  Just knowing she enjoyed the act is rewarding enough for him.  I believe the guys you’re dating have issues that’s far beyond anything that a .. yes you are the best or a OMG your the biggest ever answer could ever fix, so why even try?  The next time you are confronted with these types of questions I would state…let’s leave the past where it is..in the past…and try and move on.  If he insists on digging deeper for the validation he is seeking, then tell him the truth.  If he is that ego driven then maybe he will try and become the best…and that could be fun!!!  Or maybe he will react in a negative way.  And if he does…you didn’t need a man (boy) like that anyway!!  But if you can go without answering the questions then do so, because the truth really isn’t what these guys are seeking anyway!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!

Friday’s Forum: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…

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Dear toughtalkdc,
I am recently separated after being married for seven years.  Being back on the dating scene is so confusing and I feel like a fish out of water!  Particularly, I have met this guy and he seems nice enough and says all the right things. He says he can see a future with me, he wants to take me on exotic trips, he wants to meet my family, etc.  And after such wonderful dates and time spent together, I dont hear from him for days at a time.  It makes me feel silly.  How can you see this great future with me, but I dont hear from you?  I feel like all of this might be just “game” to get me to sleep with him, and then he will disappear.  How do you know the difference between game and someone that is really sincere?

Anonymous

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Good Morning Anonymous,
The only true way to decipher between a man that’s playing games and a man that’s really sincere is time.  And what I mean by time is don’t rush yourself back into a relationship.  I know coming out of a marriage of 7 years and being together years before the union, you’re used to being in a relationship.  And it may be safe to say that there is a comfort and familiarity for you being joined with someone and having someone with you.  But attaching yourself to anyone, let alone a man that knows all the right things to say may not be the answer.  You said in your letter that when you have these wonderful dates and he talks about taking you on these exotic trips…afterwords he doesn’t call or you can’t reach him for days at a time.  And “how could he see this great future with you and then don’t call”??  Well there could be a few reasons why this is occurring.  He could already have someone and they occupy the majority of his time, so when he calls you or wants to go on a date, it maybe the only time he can get away from her.  Or he could be a guy that really likes you and isn’t trying to do too much too soon.  But I would say if this guy is exhibiting all of the signs that this gentlemen is and after such a wonderful time spent between the two of you…it would seem that he would be in constant contact with you because he thinks he may have found someone truly special to him and would want spend as much time with her as possible.  So my advice to you is to continue monitoring this guy.  You don’t have to totally remove him from your life, there’s nothing wrong with having a friend that you can share a meal and spend time conversing with!  But if you’re looking for more and you’re really in search of that relationship…then my advice is to move on.  And by doing so you may just force this gentlemen into either living up to those things that he told you he wanted to share with you …or revealing his true motives and intentions for you!!  Either way you’re going to get the answer that your seeking.  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!

Tuesday’s Topic: Independant Woman: Pro or Con?

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The term Independent Woman is a relatively new one that has grown in popularity over the past decade or so, and the premise of it I agree with 100%.  But I think we have lost our way a bit with the true meaning of the phrase.  Starting in the mid to late 1970’s there were a number of babies born into the world and when these babies arrived there were a group of expecting dads who at the time were selfish and didnt want the responsiblity of raising a child and providing for a family.  The result of those actions left a number of women forced  into a dual role of being both mom and dad, and I truly  believe out of these circumstances the Independent Woman was spawned.  But in those days women did those things out of necessity, not out of bitterness or fear that the women of today carry.  I often hear from women that they dont need a man for anything and they can raise a family and have a career on their own.  And those things may be true, but in saying that you’re only perpetuating the same behavior the men of the 1970’s did…just in your own way!!  You’re being selfish because you have been scarred or hurt in the past.  Now you want to eliminate the entire role of a father in the life of a child and by doing so disconnect yourself from having a companion as well!!  These are the actions of a group of people that haven’t totally thought this process through.  We all need somebody.  And let me reiterate, I totally understand being independent and I applaud it.  But being independent doesn’t mean being lonely…and your bitterness and fear is making you just that…..LONELY!!  There are only so many pets you can own to try and fill that void.  There are only so many happy hours that you and your fellow Independent Women can attend before the drinks kick in and it turns into a “MEN AIN’T ISH” and “THERE AREN’T ANY GOOD MEN” sessions.  So PLEASE dont miss my message of what I’m saying to you.  Yes reach for the stars and achieve your goals.  It’s said GOD blesses the child that has his own, but he also made Adam and Eve together!!  So please remember that the next time you’re being so “INDEPENDENT”.

Friday’s Forum: Do Men Like B*tches?

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Okay, so here’s the deal: Every Friday we’ll respond to an email received at toughtalkdc@gmail.com.  Don’t worry, we won’t disclose your personal info, only what you put in the email.  Remember to check to see if your email gets answered on Fridays!

Dear toughtalker,
 
Why does it seem as if men like b*tches??? I am normally nice to the men that I like, and a little “meaner” to the ones I don’t.  When you’re mean to a guy, he likes it!  He keeps coming back for more!  When I’m nice to a guy, does he figure that he has me, so there’s no need to treat me special?  I don’t get it.  My last boyfriend didn’t even take me seriously until I got sick of his bull and told him to kick rocks!  After I did that, he came running!  We were in a relationship for two years after that.  I don’t get it…why are men chasing after b*tches all the time???
 
Anonymous
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Good morning Anonymous! 
 
Your question is one that I have heard numerous times from friends, and let me start off by saying all guys aren’t chasing B’s!   But there is a key word in your letter that might describe a portion of the male species and that is “CHASE“.  Some dudes just love the chase.  It’s the conqueror in them.  They saw something they were attracted to and they wanted it.  They went after it and they may have even failed a few times in trying to acquire it, but they continued to pursue it until they eventually captured it.  And for some men the chase is what they want, it takes precedent over anything else.  For some men after they capture what they were chasing the thrill is gone, it leaves them (you even state that in your letter).  “He acts this way when I’m nice but when I’m mean he starts to act nice”, because to him he has to pursue again and now the chase is back on and the excitement has begun!  For some males they just like the Chase!  But the aftermath of that chase is too real of a situation for them…and there you have the distinct difference between Males and Men.  Males like the chase and they’re going to continue chasing forever.  MEN may like the chase, but when they capture what they want they know how to proceed into the next step, which is a place the male may never go.  So ask yourself …WHO AM I DATING?  And for most women it’s extremely difficult to know which is which, but that comes with time which alot of women don’t give themselves.  I always ask myself why don’t women just relax and allow the situation to play itself out?  And I have come to a conclusion….YOU’RE CHASERS TOO!!  But more like the MEN..than the males.  And you have a different element attached to you..you’re “Displayers”.  You see what you want and you go after it…maybe in a different way, but you’re still chasing.  You may capture your prey and have no problem going into the next phase but instead of just moving into the next phase you like to show off your capture.  You display it for everyone to know you have captured one and you’re an able hunter.  But with your eagerness to display, you haven’t even given yourself enough time to know exactly what you have captured!  You don’t know what you have: a MALE or a MAN or NEITHER!  You just have something…and something isn’t good to display.  Most of you continue over and over displaying “somethings”, and you really need to slow down!  You’re not winning any hunting awards showing up with what you thought was a Man (and  it turns out to be a Male, or even worse, a “neither”)!  With that MALE he may just wake up after a few months and return back to the chasing game and you’re left answering all the questions of “What happened girl?  I thought he was the one!”  And in all actuality, BOTH of you may wake up next to something that you thought was different and you realize it was something way too familiar to what you’ve always had.  So ladies ask yourself  a question, am I contributing to this behavior?  Am I doing enough evaluations of these guys before I start a relationship to really see if they have that “chaser” in them?  Do I enjoy being chased?  AND FOR THE RECORD, there are men out here who are secure in what they want without all of the back and forth that the chase game brings.  But you have to take your time to see exactly what type of guy it is, and only time will reveal that. 
 
Enjoy your weekend.

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