Friday’s Forum: He Checked My Facebook!

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Dear toughtalker,
I have been having a rough time in my relationship.  We are arguing so much, that I’m not sure this is worth it.  We’ve been together for almost 8 months, and I know that’s not long, but I’m trying to figure out if the next 8 months would even be worth it.  Yesterday he went through my facebook messages and saw that I had a couple of emails from an ex.  They didn’t really say much…how are you, how’s the family, are you dating, etc.  Even with the dating question, I answered honestly and said yes.  I didn’t give specifics, but I did say that I was seeing someone.  He was upset because I never told him that I spoke to my ex and I didn’t tell him that I was seeing someone exclusively.  I was in love with this person (my ex) and I knew that telling my current boyfriend would evoke jealousy and insecurity.  And with our current state, I didn’t even want to bring that into the mix.  But now he’s mad that I’ve been talking to him, and I’m mad that he went through my facebook.  We can’t even have a decent conversation without one of us bringing up what the other did wrong.  I’m in love with my current boyfriend, but with so many issues, I DO seek relief/release elsewhere because he stresses me out so much!  And now that he’s violated my privacy, I don’t know if there’s any coming back.  What do you think about someone going through your things?  Could facebook be just the beginning…could my phone and personal belongings be next?  Is this someone that I shouldn’t trust?
 Anonymous
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Good Morning Anonymous,
Thank You for sharing your letter.  Let me start off by saying I believe the relationship you’re currently in is a dysfunctional one (at best) and with such a short period of time involved the answer of if you should stay is a obvious one to me…and that answer would be NO.  But before I address the reasons why…let’s discuss a few things that may shed some light on your situation.  I’m interpreting from your letter that the relationship with your ex-boyfriend directly preceded your current one because of you stating… “you were in love with this person (my ex) and by telling him about the contact it would invoke jealousy and insecurities”.  So within the last calendar year you have, in your words, been “in love” with both of these men?  I  know that is possible, but is there a pattern here?  Are you a person that falls “in love” easily??  Because to say you were so in love with the ex, and now you’re in love with the current boyfriend it seems to be that way.  Maybe you’re mistaking having/developing feelings for someone as being in love.  And that’s not what love is.  Your eagerness to attach that word or phrase to someone with such regularity makes me wonder if your filling a void yourself?  Maybe I’m off base, but being so in love with such frequency leads me to believe there is a definite void there that you’re trying to compensate for.  Possibly family and/or social issues and insecurities?  A lot of times family and past relationships play a big part in shaping who we are in relationships.  I’m not sure, but there is something there and I believe you should seek out the root of what triggers such strong feelings towards men so quickly.  But I digress…now back to your current relationship.  If the boyfriend is displaying such jealous behavior after 8 months then his ways are only going to escalate.  It’s going through your facebook now…it’s your phone next…and I can only imagine what follows.  And all of this is because you didn’t tell a person on facebook that you were in an “exclusive relationship”?  I thought that’s what a boyfriend/girlfriend title was??  I just know that if a man is this mad and jealous over something as trivial as this…then leave now…because that anger usually escalates to something much more serious (domestic violence).  So leave!  And take some time before the next relationship.  And while on dating hiatus maybe you can explore what I was discussing earlier.  Because the best feeling in the world…is being “in love” with yourself!!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!!   

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Friday’s Forum: Should You Snitch on Cheating Friends?

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Dear Toughtalkdc,
 
I have two friends, they are married.  I know for a FACT that the female in the couple has cheated on the male.  They have a baby that looks NOTHING like the father.  The baby “resembles” the mother slightly, but not the father at all!  I know that this can happen, but I also know that she has cheated MULTIPLE TIMES.  Should I tell my friend?  I’m friends with them both, so I’m torn.  My friend was so happy to be having his first child, I think he’s blinded to the fact that this child looks NOTHING like him.  I’ve also had a few friends that have taken care of children until they were almost adults, only to find out they weren’t theirs.  I would hate to see him go through that.  I’ve been friends with them both for well over 10 years.  I’ve never mentioned the cheating, so I guess I’ve been a bad friend either way.  But now that this child is born, I’m feeling particularly guilty about not saying anything.  What should I do?
 
Anonymous

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Good Morning Anonymous,

My suggestion to you is…DON’T SAY A WORD!!  You can’t destroy both of your friends’  lives on your assumptions.  You said that your friend has cheated multiple times…and that may be true…but that doesn’t mean your other friend isn’t the father of his child.  I think you’re way too invested in your friends’ relationship!  I know you care for your friends and their well- being, but let me ask you a question…Why do you want to tell him?  Is it that you don’t want to see him continue to stay in a relationship that isn’t fair to him?  Or is it that you don’t want to see him hurt in any way?  If your answer is closer to the latter…then by revealing such damaging information to him it will only bring him the same hurt that you’re trying to shield him from.  Or do you care for him because you see a good man and wonder why is he with her…a woman who takes advantage of him and treats him the way that she does…and not with a woman like you…who would treat him the way he is supposed to be treated!!  If that last comment is off base and doesn’t have any merit, then I apologize.  But if it does have a little credence to it then my advice to you is walk away…leave it alone.  Allow nature to take its course.  And just know whatever is done in the dark will eventually come into the light.  If she is behaving the way you say she is, it’s just a matter of time before all of her secrets are revealed!!  Have a Wonderful Weekend!!

Friday’s Forum: Facebook Relationship Status?

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Dear toughtalker,
 
My husband has not acknowledged our marriage on facebook.  This makes me think he’s using it to meet or attract women.  When I ask him about it, he says that if he says he’s married, it makes him more appealing to women so he doesn’t want to open that door.  But he’s cheated before so I feel like this could just be another avenue for him to be able to cheat.  I don’t know if this excuse makes sense and I don’t want to ask friends because all of my friends/family hate him because of what he’s done before.  I don’t want to fly off the handle if there is some validity to this, but I don’t want to be a fool either.  And if I catch him cheating…I’m leaving!!!  But I don’t want to get stuck constantly checking and following after him either.  But is this facebook thing an obvious sign?
 
Frustrated

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Dear Frustrated,

I’m so happy and honored that you chose toughtalkdc to share your thoughts and we will do our best to give you another angle to view your dilemma.  I really don’t think that him acknowledging you on facebook is that big of a deal.  I actually have many friends that are on social networking sites that don’t label there relationship statuses, and have wonderful marriages.  So I don’t think that is too much of a issue, but the excuse that he gave you was a bit far fetched.  No man is going to use him getting attention from women as a excuse to not list you on their facebook.  People are messy and the more they see that you are happy, the more they want to see you unhappy.  And you know how the saying goes, “misery loves company”…and over the years I have come to the conclusion that statement is so so true!  But your husband should be able to fight off any unwanted advances, especially after the ordeal you guys have gone through in the past with his infidelity.  My question to you is after that incident, did you forgive him?  I’m asking that because if you really and truly did, then you have to trust in him and not continue to re-live the situation over and over again.  I’m not saying turn a blind eye to his behavior because no one deserves to be treated that way, but if you did forgive him then do just that, forgive him and try to move past it.  I have another suggestion for you: leave your family out of your personal relationships!!!  Involving family and friends will only make it more difficult for everyone involved.  You have forgiven your mate and now there is a uncomfortable feeling when the parties are mixed.  This is something that you have to deal with and you will have to hear opinions from both parties.  I’m sure it’s difficult to continue to justify your decisions, but you have no one to blame but yourself.  That is the situation you created.  In the future you should keep your personal relationships to yourself so you won’t have to juggle and go back and forth.  I’m going to leave you with this…facebook is just a social networking site that should not have any significant bearing on your relationship and if that’s your only gripe then I say let that one go and move on.  But if there’s more (and only you would know that), then my advice to you is open your eyes…deep down you know if this is a Facebook issue or something much deeper.  So you have to ask yourself do I really want the truth?  Because once you reveal it you have to accept it!!!  Have a wonderful weekend!!