Friday’s Forum: Is the Grass Greener?

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Dear Toughtalker,
I have been in ONE relationship most of my adult life. This man is great…we have our issues, but all in all he is a really good guy. However, as we move through life, I feel like Im looking for something different. This is difficult because family and friends expect us to be together forever. I dont see it, and I am getting tired of being what people expect. And because my mate has not wronged me, I know I will be judged for leaving a good man. I dont know if its just easier to stay…or jump out there and look for that person that the “adult” me is looking for. Am I crazy for wanting something different?
Good Morning Anonymous,
Thank You for submitting your letter.  Now let me start off by saying…NO you’re not crazy for feeling the way that you are.  Those are your feelings and the worst thing you could do now is suppress those feelings.  What you’re going through I would say is pretty natural…to have been with the same person for the most part of your adult life, there is going to be a lull in the relationship…it happens!  You have obviously grown throughout the time you and your mate have been together (and so has he).  When you guys initially got together he may have been the guy you wanted as a young woman, but the things you found desirable then may not be the same things you do now.  So you have to think about that…What do I desire now as a woman?  Can this man eventually become and provide those things that I want?  And if you don’t believe that he can, a conversation needs to be had.  You need to communicate with your mate.  Discuss what you’re feeling, because maybe he is just in a comfortable space in the relationship and he needs some direction from you.  And who knows…with that guidance he could possibily become the man you want!  Or maybe this relationship has run its course…and if that has occurred then be honest not only with him but with yourself.  You should never stay in a relationship for everyone else but yourself.  This is your life and you only have one to live.  But be careful…you know the saying…The grass may not be greener on the other side!  And if you don’t understand what that means…it means…don’t allow the unknown to take you away from the known…because if you do that you may find yourself living with regrets and end up being alone!!!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!

Friday’s Forum: The Rebound Guy


Dear toughtalker,
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years.  We were serious and had talked marriage.  Unfortunately it ended badly (domestic assault, fights over money and property and verbal abuse).  But I am over that now and ready to move on.  This happened a little over a month ago and I have since met someone that I like.  All of my friends are criticizing me saying that I need time to be single and get my head together.  They want me to be alone for a period of time before getting involved again.  Why?  I like him and I’m ready, and I know what I want!  Why do people always say you have to be by yourself for a while after a breakup?
Good Morning Anonymous,
First…we would like to thank you for submitting your letter to our Friday’s Forum where we try to provide an objective outlook on relationship issues. 
OK, I have a question for you…how recent was this break-up?  Because the amount of time that has passed can play a significant role in what you think you’re past and have gotten over or where you actually are.  I don’t know you but what I’m gathering is that your friends do, and the tone that I’m getting is that they don’t want you to run right back into the same situation you just got out of.  They want you to take your time because everyone, post break-up, is vulnerable and eager to jump back in and prove that they can have a successful relationship.  But that’s not always the best thing to do.  If you are a frequent visitor to Toughtalkdc, we recently posted a blog about how some women are “displayers” and they just have to be involved with someone for display purposes only.  I’m not saying this is you but you may want to view our archive section and read what was written.  It might shed some light and give you some insight on your situation.
Now I’m going to give you my thoughts: I agree with your friends.  I’m not saying you have to be single  forever OR date the world, but give yourself some time to really heal!!  You stated that you and your former boyfriend had discussed marriage at some point, so this wasn’t just a random relationship with a regular guy.  This was once a person that you viewed as someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and now its over and you’re ready to move on that fast??  I believe that you need to give yourself time.  You just went through a very traumatic break-up, and even though you may have suppressed those feelings, they’re still there and only time will actually heal those wounds.  You say this new guy is a good person and you like him and want to be with him, and if all of those things are true (and we don’t doubt that they are) give him a fair chance.  And by giving him this chance YOU have to properly heal first!!  If you don’t you will bring the same hurts into your new relationship, and that’s only going to make it that much more difficult to have that successful relationship you desire.  I know everyone needs to have someone there and being lonely can be just that…lonely.  But being by yourself sometimes is the only way to actually get to know yourself, and at this time I suggest you get to know yourself.
Have a Wonderful Weekend!!!!