Dear Toughtalker
I am a female and have been with my mate for just over three years.  I love him dearly and I feel in my heart that he loves me.  BUT I’m trying to figure out how to communicate a small issue with him.  He NEVER compliments me.  I hear him say other women are beautiful, pretty, or even unattractive.  He never says ANYTHING about me!  I never hear, “you look nice today” or “dang, babe you’re hot!”.  Now let me be clear, I’m not superficial and needy.  I don’t need those affimations to feel comfortable in the relationship.  And I’m not on the verge of a breakdown or leaving him because of this.  Like I said, I love him.  But he has opinions on women, because I hear him talk about them.  What about me?  I just wish I could get a compliment here and there.  I mean, I’m a female and we ALL like compliments (whether we admit it or not).  I just want to be able to communicate it in a way that he understands so he doesn’t think I’m just being emotional or insecure.  From a male perspective, how can I get my point across?
Anonymous
******************************************
 
Good Morning Anonymous…Thank You for submitting your letter.  I really can’t answer your letter from a “male perspective” but I can give you my opinion on what’s taking place.  I believe in relationships we all don’t do the things we once did in the beginning.  We get somewhat comfortable and forget that the same things you did in the genesis of the relationship have to be continued throughout.  I believe your comment about he “never compliments” me is a bit of an embellishment.  I say that because I believe your boyfriend showered you with compliments in the beginning (that’s how he won your heart).  There was something that made you melt and fall in love with him.  Your letter is filled with inconsistencies…but that’s OK.  We all are inconsistent at times.  You not needing those affirmations you speak of isn’t 100% truthful as well…because if you really didn’t need or want them…would you really have penned an entire letter speaking about how you don’t want or need them?  Let’s be honest here…you stated everything else in your relationship was good…but this.  So the affirmations and the comments are what you want…and there’s nothing wrong with that!!  You needing and wanting compliments doesn’t make you superficial or needy…it makes you human!!  So how do you go about getting them?  Well try this, the next time he comments on another woman…ask him…what about me?  Ask him how he would you critique you?  Ask him if he was with his friends what would he say about you?  He might be vague because you just entered his friends into the scenario and some guys don’t like that.  So if that doesn’t work, ask him…what if you saw me in a grocery store?  What would be your thoughts?  Then let the dialog begin.  Express to him the way that you’re feeling.  Tell him how him complimenting other women and never his own woman makes you feel.  He probably never thought about it in that manner…because men usually don’t see the extras.  His actions towards you in his mind show you how attractive you are to him.  So I’m sure if you inform him of your feelings…things will change!  Just know that sometimes guys need a blueprint of what they should be doing.  They lose their way…so it’s your job to get him back on course!!  HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!
Advertisements